Pandemic Diary (part II)

It is SO difficult to scratch out even 1,000 words a day. Thus: PANDIARY.

20 Mar

My bald mate brought his Xbox over to me today on a mercy mission. I pretended I was a secret agent in Cold War Berlin as he screeched into the street and jumped out of the car with a mask on. The fantasy lasted until he handed me a big blue IKEA bag. Bonus: Found out I suck at computer games now. Actually said the words “it’s just too fast” while shaking my head. Well done, Granddad.

21 Mar

Amazing how phone calls – the 21st century equivalent of getting a telegram – are a thing again. I didn’t even know what my ringtone sounded like until this started. My oldest friend video-called me for the first time since 2005, and he talked about his biggest fear in all of this: that the Premier League season might still get finished later this year. He’s a Spurs fan, so that’s understandable. “We were in a flat spin before fucking corona saved us” were his exact words.

22 Mar

The lockdown starts at midnight. With that weirdly normal threat in mind, I left the house with my camera and took some photos. Saw two women sitting by the kerb four metres apart with a bottle of prosecco between them. Reminded me of that film where two soldiers parachute into a minefield and can’t move so they shout at each other instead. One species that has done alright from all this is the cyclists. They were loving it, bombing down the middle of the road with no fear of a Karen in an SUV casually killing them as she turns without looking. We’re living in the age of Sick Wheelie, Bro.

23 Mar

Whoever invented the burpee was a sadistic bastard. In a hundred years’ time – if human beings are still around and we’ve managed to sidestep the whole death-by-climate thing – people will visit the Museum of Fitness and see a lifelike hologram doing a burpee and they’ll go, “wow, they really hated themselves back then.” And the hologram will look at them coldly and say, “Summer bodies are made in the winter”, and then do some more burpees while holo-muttering motivational phrases to itself.

24 Mar

This is mos def the longest I’ve gone without touching another human being. All I need now is a Nirvana hoodie, skin like the underside of a Ryvita and a shit haircut and I could be 16 again. I’m working on the latter: I chopped a lot of my fringe off with a pair of scissors. Then I had a go at the sides. Kind of look like a Benedictine monk now. Maybe I should start praying. Or making beer. I’m a little worried about the guy across the road from me. He’s moved into his living room and has been lying on his couch in a sleeping bag since Friday. Maybe he’s trying really hard to turn into a butterfly.

the bikes shall inherit the earth

the bikes shall inherit the earth

Pandemic Diary (part 1)

Given the current ‘truth is stranger than fiction’ situation, I’m finding it a little difficult to sit down and write anything that seems remotely worthwhile. Steven Pressfield didn’t cover this in The War of Art. Put it in your revised edition, Steven.

Anyway, I’ve decided to keep a diary for the time being. How long is the ‘time being’? That’s the joy of this whole thing: nobody has an answer. Maybe I’ll write my final entry next week. Maybe it’ll run and run for six months. Maybe I’ll get sucked into a YouTube hole well before then and never emerge again.

Here is my Pandiary.

14 Mar

The last waltz before the band all get sick and die of pneumonia. I walked from Alexanderplatz to Kottbusser Tor after being glued to the news for 10 hours. Perked up a little when I saw there were no death squads in gas masks hunting down the weak yet. At a friend’s house we drank Champagne and it felt like that scene in The Road when the boy and his dad share a can of Coke in a ransacked fitness centre. As I recall, it pretty much goes downhill from there.

15 Mar

First full day indoors. Usually I’d love not getting messages saying “yo dude u wanna hang later?” but now, like a hostage with Stockholm Syndrome, I miss them. Finished Moby-Dick. Turns out the whale was Ahab’s dad. Watched Steve Austin’s debut WWF match, discovered Triple H’s ring name used to be Hunter Hearst Helmsley. Sounds like a legal firm you’d hire to make sure you win everything in a divorce settlement.

16 Mar

Like Steve McQueen in The Great Escape, I broke out of quarantine in the evening and headed for Switzerland. Got as far as Prenzlauer Berg. Despite the ban, one bar was open. A couple of utter Charlies wearing gilets were sitting outside drinking white wine and staring at anybody who walked by with a kind of white-hot smugness in their eyes. On the way back to prison, a guy on a bike with a beer in hand shouted at groups of people as he pedalled by. “You’re all gonna die! All of you! You’re zombies and you don’t even know it yet.” He brought a smile to my face. I returned home with fresh energy. Then I lay on the couch.

17 Mar

Did this day even exist? Or was it just a thought experiment where I imagined how boring a Tuesday could possibly be and then somehow made it happen? Kind of like when Albert Hoffman accidentally synthesised LSD and smashed his mind to pieces on it, except instead of fractals and ego-death, I got urgent translation requests and coronavirus memes on WhatsApp. I’m cracking.

18 Mar

Met up with my boxing trainer in desperation to see a human face other than the haunted one in the mirror. Went to the park with his dog. Place was like a May bank holiday: kids running around with their grandparents (aww), teenagers grilling and drinking, and super pumped dudes gurning at each other as they shared the only pull-up bar for 5 km. We watched them for 20 minutes from a safe distance and then went home for a cry.

19 Mar

Had my first ever filling. I told my dentist it was my highlight of the week. I think she thought I was joking. The drill burrowing into my decaying tooth reminded me what it means to feel. When she was finished, I wanted to beg her for a root canal, but I wandered home, my face as numb as the idiots in the park.

took this in 2014 on xmas day. weren’t no people out at that time either.

took this in 2014 on xmas day. weren’t no people out at that time either.

Chart / March

When writing a first draft, you (or rather I) experience the jarring sensation that you’re doing something both very, very righteous and something very, very shit. When you hit that smooth patch after struggling for an hour to formulate a sentence, where entire paragraphs take shape within the space of a few minutes, where dialogue strings itself together as though you’re transcribing rather than inventing, where decisions are logical rather than arbitrary, that is what makes the process of writing a first draft worthwhile.

The rest of it, though (especially in winter), is its own special form of masochism. The characters have no motive and are inconsistent, the concepts are as weak as a girder on the Tacoma Narrows Bridge, and the thread holding it all together snapped somewhere back in chapter 4. What’s more, the word count is creeping up and up to heights that it shouldn’t, the weeks are turning into months, and you have the suspicion that you’re actually an utter hack who got lucky with previous publications and that this time around you’re going to be found out for sure.

This is where I’m at now. 75,000 words in to book 4 (Static Age > By the Feet of Men > Mekong Lights > IV) and I’m definitely encountering the resistance that Steven Pressfield warns against. Sometimes my self-loathing grows so great that I even read back over what I’ve written in the first draft just so I can shake my head and look mournful. I’m hoping the novel is going to top out at 120,000 words (it’s sci-fi, and for whatever reason Writers & Artists states that sci-fi novels should aim for anywhere up to 125,000 words), but who can tell? Maybe it’ll go well beyond that. Maybe it’ll unfurl forever. Maybe this one will beat me and I’ll never finish it.

I’m excited to find that out, at least.

La musique:

  1. Summer of George - Sinister Vistas

  2. The Courtneys - Tour

  3. Yves Tumor - Gospel for a New Century

  4. Laurent Garnier - Acid Eiffel

  5. Blue Loop - Under

  6. Incubus - Make No Sound in the Digital Forest

  7. The Phuss - Golden Overdrive

the inside of my brain at present

the inside of my brain at present

What nobody tells you when you sign with an independent publisher

The email arrives when you’ve already given up hope: “Dear XX, we have reviewed your novel and would like to offer you a contract.” No way, you think. It must be a mistake. But you read the email again. And once more for good measure. It’s not a mistake. After two hundred pitches, 50 rejections, sleepless nights and a chest full of heartache, somebody is finally offering to buy and market your novel. It’s an independent publisher, operating, if not at the margins of the industry, then somewhere in between the Big Five nucleus and the online-only agencies that publish one poetry chapbook every quarter. You pitched to them directly after giving up hope of attracting an agent, and somehow the gambit has paid off. Your manuscript went through a three-person internal review and survived. Now all that’s left for you to do is put your name to that contract. The hard work has finally paid off. You can sit back and relax.

Except obviously that’s not true. In fact, writing, pitching and selling the novel was the easy part. The real work starts now.

Here’s the news: if you sign with an independent publisher, nobody gives a damn. You weren’t the name at the heart of a bidding war between Penguin and Simon & Schuster. You don’t have a super-agent who’s going to wangle you a spot in the New Yorker. You aren’t joining the hallowed ranks of literary titans who give you more credibility simply by association. That puts you at the back of the queue for everything. From reviews to coverage to space on the shelves, you’re going to have a mountain to climb to get your novel seen, read and heard about.

Here are 7 things that nobody tells you when you sign for an independent publisher.

1.     Your publishing house doesn’t believe in you.

There are two models for independent publishers to follow. One (less likely): every book is a labour of love into which the team puts its blood and guts, and then uses every channel at its disposal to turn that book into a mild success. The publisher believes in the author and the message, and will leave no stone unturned to win them the audience they deserve. Two (more likely): the publisher snaps up any title on which it believes it may be able to turn a profit, does the bare minimum to produce and market it, and waits to see if the gamble pays off. It doesn’t really matter either way: the publisher spreads its bets, buying up a few crime titles here, a few erotic thrillers there, and something literary once in a while just to mix things up. It always has a core genre and audience to fall back on that are guaranteed to produce sales (self-help books are good for that). Sure, the publisher will tell you they see a bright future for your book, but you’ll never find them championing it in any corner of the internet beyond getting it into online stores. So once you’re done typing, it’s time to start hyping.

2.     You have no say in the cover or blurb.

Now this is probably the same for the major publishing houses, too, but for some reason people have the notion that because an independent publisher isn’t as well known , it means the author has free rein when it comes to slapping a cover together and scribbling a description for the back. The opposite is true. Independent publishers are nothing if not canny; as said above, they’re seeking to maximise sales while keeping the work involved to a minimum. Designing a cover is that minimum: they’ll take an image, motif or general design that has worked in the past, farm the work out to a freelancer, give them an hour to tweak it just enough to make it unique, and then cross their fingers that it’ll draw a few eyes. They’re not interested in creating something beautiful or instantly iconic. They have a blueprint that works, and that’s what they’ll stick to. And no author will be able to convince them otherwise, even if they hate the end product (like a certain me with mine).

3.     You’re going to have to fight for every review, interview and mention.

This one can hit an indie author like a claw hammer. You start off putting together a list of book bloggers and platforms who you then contact by email. You think, seeing as there’s an army of reviewers out there, many of whom profess to love your genre on their website (under ‘review policy’), that the responses will come flooding in. After all, a publisher liked your work enough to take it, and you’re offering your book to people free of charge as a paperback or e-book. Getting all the reviews you need should be a breeze, right?

Nope.

Book bloggers are busy as street cleaners at Pride. They receive hundreds of review requests per week, usually work full-time jobs, try to read and review multiple novels each month, and maintain a website featuring book giveaways, blog tours, guest posts and more. They aren’t all going to answer you. Don’t forget you’re not at the front of the queue, either. In fact, it’s more like this: Big 5 publishers > authors the reviewer has worked with before > authors who have managed to create a little buzz > independent authors > self-published authors. There may be other constraints, too. Many reviewers prefer paperbacks, for example. Some prefer to review only people of colour or LGBTQ authors. Others might have a predilection for steampunk, but no time for post-apocalyptic fiction. Once you narrow down the field, you find you’ll be lucky to get one response from every seven emails you send out.

Don’t expect your publisher to help you here, either. They might have a database of contacts, yes, but it takes around 20 minutes to check out a website, see if the blogger is accepting requests and craft a personal email to send them. You have to do that on your time.

4.     Websites with a strong readership probably won’t be interested in you.

Generally speaking, websites with a healthy daily readership are not going to respond to your requests for interview or review. Why would they? They curated that readership by creating content that garners interest, and unless that interest happens to be ‘indie authors from Slough who wrote their first horror novel at the age of 52’, you can rest assured that nothing you suggest will be worth their time or coverage. Scale down your aspirations as much as you can. Stop looking for an email address to pitch to The Guardian or Wired. It’s not going to happen (unless you know somebody on the staff). Instead, focus on building your launch pad and collecting fuel – that means seeking out niche websites with a sympathetic management team that receives a few hundred or thousand clicks per day, and then offering to write a guest post or begging for an interview. The more times you do this, the greater the online footprint for your book. When it comes to writing and then pitching your next novel to literary agents, they might— if they’re interested in your manuscript — end up finding those posts you wrote and being impressed by your tenacity. It may even swing their decision in your favour.

5.     Review copies will only become available a couple months prior to publication.

About all those reviews you’re trying so hard to get: many reviewers prefer to read paperbacks and will give precedence to those authors who are prepared to provide one. The problem is that although your independent publisher has promised it’ll make review copies available to you, it isn’t planning on doing so until the book is actually in the warehouse – around two months prior to the publication date. Now, as stated, book bloggers are busy people. If you come to them and ask them to read your book within 8 weeks, they’re probably either going to delete your email or inform you that they’ll take your book, but they have 322 other books to read first. You have two choices here: you can wait until those precious review copies are sitting in the warehouse, which means it’ll probably be too late to get many positive responses at all, or you can place your own print order large enough that your publisher will fire up the printers and then send these copies to you well before release. Yes, it’s expensive – in addition to buying the books yourself, you have to pay for the envelopes and shipping fees. But how many reviews do you want to see on Goodreads, Amazon and wherever else come release day?

6.     Your publicist will only start promotion a month before your book is released.

Insofar as your publisher assigns a publicist to your cause, don’t expect them to help you until the finish line is already in sight. This publicist is not a literary agent – they aren’t there to work behind the scenes for their 10%, securing interviews and exclusives and deals in your name. They are people employed by the publisher to hammer out a press release or two, send out a blanket email to a list of reviewers and post a few nice things about your book on the company social media page (which invariably has around 200 followers). They don’t have time to do much more than that, because they have 20 other authors for whom they also need to write press releases and send out emails. In other words, even though you’ll start seeing activity in the four to six weeks prior to your novel’s release, it will almost certainly bring little to no reward. The onus is on you.

7.     You’ll have to lean pretty heavily on your friends and family to get the sales ball rolling.

As release day looms, you have a handful of reviews, some good, some average, a few barely literate. You’ve done all you can to get your book out there on every channel you can think of, and you’ve bagged some ‘TBR’ tags on Goodreads. There are even a few libraries in the UK and US that have placed pre-orders. Still, if you want to have any chance of your book being seen by people outside your Twitter feed and the blogosphere, you’re going to have to beg as many people as you can to do you a solid and buy that book while it’s still fresh. If you can get enough people to place a pre-order on (sigh) Amazon just before release day, you have a chance of breaking into the top 100-200 releases for your specific genre. And once it’s in that chart, even if it’s for a day, there’s a chance people you don’t know will take a punt on an unknown quantity and keep you there for a little longer. And a little longer until eventually the snowball becomes a…slightly bigger snowball and you have a few hundred sales to your name. Because this is what you’re signing up for: you spend a year writing the thing, another year making revisions and pitching it, and yet another year waiting for it to be released, and then your book spends a week in the ‘New Releases’ section of Waterstones and it disappears without trace just in time for the next one to be pushed out into the world.

Nobody said it was easy. Up to you if you want to go through with it.

does kind of make it worthwhile when you walk into a bookstore and see it on the shelf, though

does kind of make it worthwhile when you walk into a bookstore and see it on the shelf, though